got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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