sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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