After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
