I got chris browned last night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
