Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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