Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
