I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
