My hand turned me down
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Couch. On fire.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
