I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
