Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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