Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
