How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize