this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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