i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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