I think my vagina is haunted
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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