i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
