I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
sarcasm needs its own font
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have aggressive nipples.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
