when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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