i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
