I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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