So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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