john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
