I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
