Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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