theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is Oprah even human
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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