yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
