I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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