i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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