Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
