In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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