Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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