My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
