dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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