remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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