i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
