Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
