Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
