apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
