I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
