my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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