i would punch a child for taco bell
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
