guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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