8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
