You really coming over, don't trick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize