I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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