Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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