I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
