I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize