There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize