Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
