Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
