im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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