Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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