The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
