You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
