so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
