Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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