Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
