I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
