im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
