I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
