Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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