i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
