Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
