i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
