Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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